ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨