Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.