Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.