Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .