Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
What’s so funny?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.