me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?