Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
i- i did not expect this
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks