me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Yes, this is exactly right
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm