@djdarrellripley

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

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@VerifiedDrunk

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

@online_shawn

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@ms__pauline

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

@CynicalTherapi1

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

@ObscureGent

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

@DjKC_117

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

@NicCageMatch

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.