Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”