Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

You Might Also Like


Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.


[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself


[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]


WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?


I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.


Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.


News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.


”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer


Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward