@Cornjerker78

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

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@Brianhopecomedy

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

@Anniewritess

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

@kristabellerina

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

@RodLacroix

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

@greek_heanen

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

@notalogin

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward