@Brianhopecomedy Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
@Cornjerker78 Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
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@Brianhopecomedy 
@Amusitr0n [clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
@MarfSalvador [my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
@radtoria OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
@upsidedowntrash WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
@Anniewritess I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
@kristabellerina Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
@RodLacroix News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
@greek_heanen ”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
@notalogin Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward