Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
“You’d better run, egg!”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
There’s only one good girl here!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.