me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here