Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
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Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.