Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I hate my earbuds.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”