Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
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Mhm.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
📽️movie date🎞️
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂