Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
some things should go without saying
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.