ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
oh good, now I can stop drinking
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.