Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My diet starts in January
of 2027
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.