me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
✌🏽
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Okey dokey.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.