Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..