ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.