ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch