ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Holy crap this is wonderful
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.