me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
You Might Also Like
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
this has done me in for some reason
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
There’s only one good girl here!
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic