ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
do horses think humans are hats
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more