Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Was it something I said?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Spring cleaning checklist…
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
This is my brand.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.