Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Never be a pizza!
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school