ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Your secret is safeish with me
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship