Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them