@onion_an

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

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@AbbyHasIssues

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

@upsidedowntrash

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

@XplodingUnicorn

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

@bigpoppadrunk

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

@dulcetry

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

@bartandsoul

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

@sixfootcandy

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

@shegotagronk

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.