Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]