Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
You Might Also Like
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???