Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
gm
My dad teaching me to drive
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”