ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.