Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Yoga Matt
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*