me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.