Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’