Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.