Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
You Might Also Like
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I support this random dude and all his protests
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor