Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
sigh
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.