Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
no
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’m not proud
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers