Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.