Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
#catsoftwitter
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables