me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.