me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I have so many questions.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.