Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.