Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
You Might Also Like
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
This week’s mood.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11