me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck