ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.