Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.