[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
so this horse walks into a bar
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
emergency phone
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently